Friday, February 13, 2009

Surviving Philly

Think you can play, coach, or manage in Philadelphia?

Can You?

To be one of the longest tenured players in Philadelphia sports history, like Dawkins and Burrell; takes skill. So random 76er, Flyer, Eagle, and Phillie, it begs the question: think you have what it takes to compete down at One Citizen’s Bank Way?

This is your comprehensive “player” survival guide to surviving in Philadelphia.

1) Performance Matters: first off before you can win, you have to perform. If you don’t perform up-to-snuff, you may just be that key throw-in that sends a big name player here, and your ass goes far away.

Or if you don’t perform well, your position on the team may just be: bench-warmer or worse; bye-bye Philadelphia, hello Lehigh Valley, Reading, Clearwater, Williamsport, Lakewood, the practice squad (Eagles and Sixers), Phantoms.

So above all, perform well and up to YOUR AND YOUR team’s expectations, not the press’ or the fans.

2) Stay away from the press: stay away from the press; they are not your friends. You could be hitting .450 one week and the press’ favorite person; the next week you could be mired in a slump hitting .150 and the press are calling for your departure.

1. Amendment 1 to Rule 2: The “Cole- Rollins” Amendment: Don’t give the press anything to write home about. Comments, thoughts, stats, and trash talk: keep them to yourself, unless a situation warrants it.

Watch out for phrases like: “We’re the team to beat” or “Choke Artists”. Don’t say said phrases (or other phrases), unless you can back up said phrase, taunt, or insult. Also watch out for baited hooks, phrases like: “Do you think that the Mets are choke artists?” or “Did you know about the overtime rule?”

3) Win: Winning is important, but not that important when compared to rules one and two (as well as amendment one to rule two). Win and you are a hero. Lose and you’re life will be a living hell.

When you win, don’t over celebrate. When you lose, don’t cry about it. No one likes a crybaby. Do not under any circumstances accept ties. Never settle for anything better than a victory.

4) If benched in the middle of a game: Don’t sulk about it. And don’t cry about it either. Realize that the coach or manager may have benched you in order to one: “fire-up” the team and/or two: you are really just playing poorly so maybe a benching might help.

Just remember- it’s only one game, don’t read anything into it. Also, remember: that you can always go after it the next game.

5) Know the Rules of the Game: If you don’t know the rules of the game then you should not be playing. If you’re a baseball player, know the ground rules; know what would be called a home run and what would be called a foul ball.

Also, know the rules about balks, infield flies, and foul balls. If you’re a football player, know what is legal and illegal (pertaining to passes, formations, eligible players, hits, and tackles), also know where the boundary lines are. This applies to all sports and is retroactive, applies to rule 2 and rule 2.1

1. The Donovan Amendment to Rule 5: Know the rules of your sport. This pertains to ties, overtime, ties in overtime, extra innings, and shootouts. There is no excuse for not knowing your sports’ rules about overtime, ties and ties in overtime, shootouts and extra innings, as well as rain delays.

6) Pay Attention to the Game (The Kolb-Coste Rule): Know the situation of every game, because you never know when you might just get into a game.

7) Always know the rules of your team (The Rollins Rule): plain and simple- know the rules that your head coaches and managers set. That means show up on time and hustle every game, all the time or be ready to ride the pines.

8) Never be seen with Celebrities: Off days, holidays, off seasons, travel out in Los Angeles: never be seen hanging with the likes of: T.O., Plaxico, Madonna, Britney Spears, K-Fed or any other Hollywood A-List celebrity. These people are no good and nothing but distractions.

9) Never Carry a Concealed Weapon: Rule is self-explanatory

1. Never Shoot Thyself with Said Concealed Weapon: Self-explanatory as well. Rule 9 will be known as the “Dumb-ass Plaxico Rule”, Rule 9.1 will be known as “Dumb-ass Burress Amendment”. Together these two rules will be combined for one overall rule 9.

10) Win a Championship (will be known as the Mitch Williams Rule): Most importantly, play hard and win a championship. Because no one will remember all those achievements, records, strikeouts, and wins without a championship.

Win one and be hailed as a hero. Lose one or don’t win one and become public enemy number one. Remember the tag-line for EA Sports: “If it’s in the game; it’s in the game.”

These are the 20 rules that should live by here in Philadelphia. Win and these streets and stadiums will welcome you home as a hero, lose and these streets and stadiums will become your own personal hell.

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